The following is the *OFFICIAL RULES OF ENGAGEMENT* for Tim Horton’s. Please feel free to pass them along so that we can make the world a better place.
1) When you enter a Tim Horton’s and see a line to one side of the restaurant that DOES NOT mean that you can start another line on the other side. *PENALTY: TOO MANY LINES.* People guilty of this infraction must buy coffee everyone in the original line.
2) If you cannot see the donut you want available in the display you CANNOT ask for it since the server will then go into the back and eventually return and tell you that – guess what – they don’t have it! *PENALTY: DELAY OF GAME.* People guilty of this infraction must return to the end of the line.
3) The Drive-Thru is for ordering coffee and donuts ONLY. If you need to order a sandwich or soup get out of your car and go inside you lazy slob! It takes too long and they’ll probably get your order wrong anyways so save some greenhouse emissions and remember – NO ORDERING FOOD IN THE DRIVE-THRU! *PENALTY: OVER ORDERING*. People guilty of this infraction will have their tires deflated on the spot.
4) Cleaning of the Hot Chocolate and Flavored Coffee machines is FORBIDDEN during times where there are actually customers in the store. What kind of business takes a product off-line in the middle of the day?! *PENALTY: UNNECESSARY CLEANLINESS*. Staff guilty of this infraction will be forced to eat hot, spicy food, then placed in restraints just out of the reach of a nice cool glass of water for a hour.
5) Placing the lids on the “to-go” cups so that the drink opening lines up with the crease in the cup is a crime against humanity since it has the same effect as gag dribble-cups. Plus, exactly how hard is it to miss that crease when placing the lid on anyways? Yet it seems to happen more than 50% of the time. *PENALTY: ILLEGAL LID ON THE CREASE.* Staff guilty of this must floss with barbed wire for a week.
6) Franchise owners who open up a store with a Drive-Thru that can’t handle at least ten cars in line are a traffic menace. Caffeine addiction is a scary thing that will cause people to stop dead on busy streets just to keep a position in line at the Drive-Thru. *PENALTY: INTERFERENCE*. Owners guilty of this infraction will be forced to order their meals via the empty Wendy’s Drive-Thru next door for a month.
7) Going on a coffee run to Tim’s for five or more people is a non-starter. Firstly, you’ll never remember what everyone ordered correctly. Secondly, you don’t have a hope in hell of carrying that stuff back out to your car. Lastly, it will take too long!!! That nice person behind you in line was under the impression that you were just going to order your coffee and go. BUT NO, you have to take 5-10 minutes of our lives while your botch the order then juggle the cups back to your vehicle. Get some backbone – force others to come with you. No more than two orders per person thank you! *PENALTY: OVER TWO MINUTE WARNING*. People guilty of this infraction will be forced to drink ALL of the coffee they have ordered and eat ALL the food. Doing this same infraction via the Drive-Thru = public flogging.
8) During Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win time all cups left unattended and unrolled for more than one minute are free game to anyone else. Since we know that all the really good prizes are only meant for people in Ontario we’ve only got a limited shot at anything decent so watch your cups! *PENALTY: INELIGIBLE ROLLER*. People guilty of this infraction must forfeit any prizes won past or present to the new roller.
9) Staff who fail to recognize that you are a creature of habit and order the same thing everyday for over a year at the same Tim Horton’s and still meet you with blank stares and an indifferent “What can I get you?” are inflicting an inhuman mental torture. Isn’t that what the commercials are all about? Where are the smiles and a hearty “The usual, Bob?” *PENALTY: INCOMPLETE RECOGNITION*. Staff guilty of this infraction must be subjected to proof of identity and a strip search every time they try to pick up their paycheck.
…and the final rule of engagement.
10) Showing up at you son/daughters hockey game with a coffee from another outlet than Tim Horton’s is VERBOTEN! What are you – some kind of troublemaker? Don’t you know the way we do things around here? *PENALTY: ILLEGAL COFFEE.* People guilty of this must clean the ice with their tongues between periods.
Hopefully if all of Canada buys into these rules we’ll have a safer, more productive society. Pass it on!!