Aug
19
Do it like Tiger
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A man asks his doctor, “Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?”
The doctor replies, “Yes, the first 3 months will be just like normal, the next three months you should do it like a dog, and the last three months you should do it like tiger”
The man replies, “Tiger?”
The doctor explains, “Tiger Woods. Sleep with other women.”
Aug
17
afraid….
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An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight.
When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit..
The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. “Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP”.
Do you have any weapons with you?”
The driver replied, “Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a 45 in the glove box and a .22 Derringer in my boot”.”
The officer looked at the driver and asked, “Anything else?”
“Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat.”
The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range.
The man said he wasn’t..
The officer bent over and looked into the driver’s face and said “Mr. Smith, you’re carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?”
Mr.Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, “Not a damn thing”.
Aug
15
Paraprosdokians
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I know you have heard and can relate to at least some of these; Bet you never knew what they were called.
I had to look up the word, “paraprosdokian”.
Here’s the definition: “Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.” “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you – but it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. I’d agreed with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public.
6. War doesn’t determine who’s right – only who’s left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism – to steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault – I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men . . . . until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they’re sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So . . . . I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
21. I used to be indecisive – but now I’m not so sure.
22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except for any vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.
27. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to ‘go to hell’ in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire – remember – the Fire Department usually uses water.
Jun
15
TILF
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Jun
13
I’ll Bet
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Jun
12
New Dress
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May
8
CRA new collection methods
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*A Reminder from Revenue Canada:* ** ** ** ** * *
May
6
Pregnant sex
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A man asks his doctor, “Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?”
The doctor replies, “Yes, the first 3 months will be just like normal, the next three months you should do it like a dog, and the last three months you should do it like tiger”
The man replies, “Tiger?”
The doctor explains, “Tiger Woods. Sleep with other women.”
Dec
1
Christmas gifts for real men
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Nov
8
Why English teachers die young…
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Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.
Here, for your enjoyment, are last year’s winners . . .
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1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardycomes on at 7:00 PM, instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 PM. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 PM, at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But, unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.