Goofingaround

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Tag: work

Jack and Jill

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill.He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he’d wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said:
“Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.”

Work vs. Prison

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a little bit more clear:

IN PRISON – you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK – you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON – you get three meals a day.
AT WORK – you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON – you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK – you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON – the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK – you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON – you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK – you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON – you get your own toilet.
AT WORK – you have to share with some idiot who urinates on the seat.

IN PRISON – they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK – you can’t even speak to your family.

IN PRISON – all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK – you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON – you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK – you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON – you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK – they are called managers.

Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I, flypaper for freaks?

8. I’m not being rude. You’re insignificant.

9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable . . . time to up my medication.

17. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

18. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

19. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

20. Who, me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

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