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Tag: marriage

Very true. I’m mean that’s not funny dear.

whats wrong

New Dress

newdress

Pregnant sex

A man asks his doctor, “Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?”

The doctor replies, “Yes, the first 3 months will be just like normal, the next three months you should do it like a dog, and the last three months you should do it like tiger”
The man replies, “Tiger?”
The doctor explains, “Tiger Woods. Sleep with other women.”

Hooking up

“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.  There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” – Henry Kissinger

“Our courtship was fast and furious – I was fast and she was furious.” – Max Kauffmann

“I wanna die with you Wendy on the streets tonight/In an everlasting kiss.” – Bruce Springsteen

“Love is the delusion that one woman is different from another.” – H.L. Mencken

“The best love affairs are those we never had.” – Norman Lindsay

“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.” – Woodrow Wyatt

“Lots of women go out with me just to further their careers – damn anthropologists!” – Emo Philips

“It is strange, the stages by which you realize you are too late – you have swallowed the hook.” – John Herman

“Love is a rose but you better not pick it/It only grows when it’s on the vine.” Neil Young

“Men play the game; women know the score.” – Roger Woddis

As found in Men’s Health, 2004

Secrets to a happy marriage

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

Interesting thoughts

  • Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
  • Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
  • One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.
  • My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
  • The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
  • The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
  • Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
  • Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
  • I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.
  • Amazing! You hang something in your wardrobe for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
  • Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like “You know, sometimes I forget to eat!” Now, I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
  • A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She has 14 kids but doesn’t really care.
  • My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how would you like to go to the six o’clock class of vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said “Listen Witch…..do it and die.”
  • The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
  • I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: Eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day!

Big Trouble

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him, “Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat”.
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

Secrets to a happy marriage

Secrets to a happy marriage

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

Crisco!

There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crisco!”

Finally a store clerk approached. “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five.”

“Oh,” replied the old gentleman, “I’m not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife.”

“Your wife is named “Crisco?”

“Nah,” he answered, “I only call her that when we’re out in public.”

“Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?”

“Lard ass.”

Have some bagels!

A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning, when ! the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.

“Gee, mom,” the boy exclaimed. “For me?”

“Just take two,” his mother replied. “The rest are for your father.”

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