Definitions for Parents
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call you child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
Secrets to a happy marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
Three women escaped from prison….one was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn, where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three gunny sacks and decided to put them over their heads for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw.
The deputy told him about the three gunny sacks. The sheriff told him to find out what was in them.
So, the deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it……and she went “Bow-wow”.
The deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one.
Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she went “Meow.”
The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it and there was no sound at all.
He kicked it again and the blonde said “Potatoes.”
There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crisco!”
Finally a store clerk approached. “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five.”
“Oh,” replied the old gentleman, “I’m not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife.”
“Your wife is named “Crisco?”
“Nah,” he answered, “I only call her that when we’re out in public.”
“Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?”
A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning, when ! the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.
“Gee, mom,” the boy exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two,” his mother replied. “The rest are for your father.”