Goofingaround

Having Fun

Category: Jokes (Page 30 of 37)

Doctor’s Receptionist

February 18, 2009 / / 0 Comments

There’s  nothing worse than a snotty doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is  wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we have all  experienced this, and I love the way this  old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s  office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir,  what are you seeing the doctor for today?”  “There’s something wrong with my penis,” he  replied.  The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a  crowded office and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,”  he said.  The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some  embarrassment in  this room full of people.You should have said there  is something wrong  with your ear or something and then discussed the  problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then  re-entered.  The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”. “There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.  The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing  he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear,  Sir?”.

“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.  The doctor’s office erupted in laughter.

Nasty

February 15, 2009 / / 0 Comments

A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person and ended up with a local co-ed who could work evenings and weekends.

She had one eccentric characteristic (which was unknown when she was hired) she wore short skirts and no underwear. Needless to say she was a real beauty and had a figure to die for.

The bakery has a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and then use a ladder to reach the uppermost items. The item that had previously been least popular but was fast becoming the most popular with gentlemen in particular was rasin bread, which was kept on the uppermost
shelf.

One day an elderly gentleman came in and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady without thinking scurried up the ladder and then realized she had not asked the gentleman what kind of bread he had wanted so she nodded and asked, “Raisin?”

“No, he replied but it is beginning to twitch just a little.”

The funeral parlor called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such seen such a big pecker.

Well she said “Cut it off as close to his body as you can then put it up his ass”.

The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek. She leaned over and whispered in his ear “I told you it hurt, you old fucker.

Three Priests

February 13, 2009 / / 0 Comments

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. “Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg.” He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” Mortified, he too fled.

The third priest moves to the window. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger’s going to shake his Peter at you.”

Powder in my Underwear

February 12, 2009 / / 0 Comments

One morning I took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

“What the hell?” I said to myself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when I shook them out.

“Angie,” I hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

Angie shot back, “It’s not talcum powder. It’s Miracle Grow.”

Little Patrick

February 11, 2009 / / 0 Comments

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Patrick told him, “I was walking past your room last night & heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!”

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

February 10, 2009 / / 0 Comments

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!”

The engaged woman giggled and said, “That’s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!”

The married woman put her glass down and said, “I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it o ff with a black mask.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?

Yikes!

February 9, 2009 / / 0 Comments

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.
After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs … .”Honey, would you like some of this?”
“Hell no, look what it’s done to your underwear!”

A priest and a nun

February 9, 2009 / / 0 Comments

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, “Sister, you sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.”

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said “Father, I’m cold.” He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, “Father, I’m still very cold.” He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, “Father, I’m sooooo cold.”

This time, he remained there and said, “Sister, I have an idea. We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let’s pretend we’re married.”

The nun said, “That’s fine by me.”

To which the priest yelled out, “Get up and get your own stupid blanket!”

Cardiologist’s funeral

February 8, 2009 / / 0 Comments

One of the city’s top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, “Why are you laughing?”

“I was just thinking about my own funeral,” the man replied – “I’m a gynecologist ……… “

Work vs. Prison

February 7, 2009 / / 0 Comments

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a little bit more clear:

IN PRISON – you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK – you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON – you get three meals a day.
AT WORK – you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON – you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK – you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON – the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK – you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON – you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK – you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON – you get your own toilet.
AT WORK – you have to share with some idiot who urinates on the seat.

IN PRISON – they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK – you can’t even speak to your family.

IN PRISON – all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK – you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON – you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK – you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON – you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK – they are called managers.

« Older posts Newer posts »

© 2026 Goofingaround

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑