A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to be fucking one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said, “Lots of doctors have sex with their patients, so it’s not like you’re the first…”
This made the doctor feel a bit better until still another voice in his head said, “But then again, they probably weren’t veterinarians…”
Category: Jokes (Page 16 of 37)
Think kinky and enjoy…
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!
5: I’ve never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10: Don’t play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!
19: I’m so full; I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want more.
After bypass surgery, a patient says to his doctor, “Can I start having sex?” The doctor replies, “Yes, but only with your wife, your heart is not yet ready for any excitement!”
A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please”. The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth.
The butcher is so impressed, and since it’s about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus.. Then the dog shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver’s seat looking outside waiting for the bus stop to come. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop. It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door.
As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.. The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. “What in heaven’s name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!” to which the Guy responds: “You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog’s forgotten his key.”
*Moral of the story: You may continue to exceed onlooker’s expectations but shall always fall short of the boss’ expectations
A man asks his doctor, “Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?”
The doctor replies, “Yes, the first 3 months will be just like normal, the next three months you should do it like a dog, and the last three months you should do it like tiger”
The man replies, “Tiger?”
The doctor explains, “Tiger Woods. Sleep with other women.”
An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight.
When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit..
The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. “Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP”.
Do you have any weapons with you?”
The driver replied, “Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a 45 in the glove box and a .22 Derringer in my boot”.”
The officer looked at the driver and asked, “Anything else?”
“Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat.”
The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range.
The man said he wasn’t..
The officer bent over and looked into the driver’s face and said “Mr. Smith, you’re carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?”
Mr.Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, “Not a damn thing”.
I know you have heard and can relate to at least some of these; Bet you never knew what they were called.
I had to look up the word, “paraprosdokian”.
Here’s the definition: “Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.” “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you – but it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. I’d agreed with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public.
6. War doesn’t determine who’s right – only who’s left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism – to steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault – I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men . . . . until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they’re sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So . . . . I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
21. I used to be indecisive – but now I’m not so sure.
22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except for any vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.
27. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to ‘go to hell’ in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire – remember – the Fire Department usually uses water.