Nov
6
A Blonde with a flat
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One day a blonde gets a flat tire on the 401. So, she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road and carefully steps out of the car.
She opens the trunk and takes out two cardboard cutouts of men. She unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers . . .
Not surprisingly, in a very short time the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn’t very long before a opp cruiser arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde with the disabled vehicle yelling, “what’s going on here?”
“My car broke down, officer” says the woman, calmly. “Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the officer.
“Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!” she replied
Nov
5
The secret book
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*The secret book*
Aug
28
Michael Jackson
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The medical examiner’s report has come in and it seems he didn’t overdose at all. It seems he died because he choked on twelve year old sausage.
(thanks Linnea!)
Aug
12
Paddy is planning to marry, he is. He asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, “Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel.” Paddy asks, “Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?”
The doctor replies, “Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, “That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever did see . . .”, you hit her with the shovel.’
Aug
11
Sex in the Dark
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device…
A vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. ‘You impotent bastard,’ She screamed at him, ‘How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!’
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
‘I’ll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.’
Aug
9
The Costume
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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
____________________________________________________________________________________
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says: ________________________________________________________________________
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk’s costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. _________________________________________________________________________
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
__________________________________________________________________________ Dear Sir, We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Aug
8
Survey…
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5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about ‘Oral Sex’
A. 3% liked the warmth.
B. 4% enjoyed the sensation.
*C. 93% appreciated the silence.*
Aug
7
Faceless
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A selection of some very funny cartoons sent by the ever prolific Dan!
.
Jul
12
Marvin
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*Marvin*
Jun
28
Puns for Educated Minds
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CREATIVE PUNS FOR “EDUCATED MINDS”
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse..
22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!