Author: The Goof (Page 32 of 43)

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that bar for a drink.”

The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got the dogs with us.”

The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch and do as I do.”

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”

The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer said, “A Doberman?”

The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”

The bouncer said, “Ya, OK, you and the dog can come on in.”

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a Seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult but thought, “What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”

The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua ?”

The woman said indignantly, “A Chihuahua ? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?”

JEWBILATION – Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish.

TORAHFIED – Inability to remember one’s lines at one’s Bar or Bat mitzvah.

CHUTZPAPA – A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby’s diaper.

DISORIYENTA – When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

MISHPOCHAMARKS – The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.

ROSH HASHANANA – A rock ‘n roll band from Brooklyn.

FEELAWFUL – Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

KINDERSCHLEP – To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

OYVAYSMEAR – What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, and then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

They complain about the RCMP, but you rarely hear about the positive things that they do, such as this one.

In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.
For example:

On a bitterly cold winter’s day several years ago in Northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

“What’s the matter?” asked the Policeman.

“Carburetor’s frozen,” was the terse reply.

“Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.”

“Can’t.”

“OK, Watch me and I will show you.”

The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.

The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: “On behalf of my daughter, who was recently stranded . . . .”

Ontario Judge makes unprecedented ruling – another case of truth being stranger than fiction…

TORONTO, ONTARIO (CP)

A seven-year-old Toronto, Ontario boy was at the centre of a Toronto city courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law & regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy alleged they had also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references & confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone!

98% of Canadians say “Oh shit” before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are from Tillsonburg and they say “Hold my beer and watch this!”

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

Man: Hey Doc. What’s the secret to a long life?
Doctor: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Doctor: No, but that way the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It’s a formality – like two boxers shaking hands before the fight starts!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let’s observe 2 minutes of silence.

It’s funny when people discuss love marriages vs. Arranged marriages.
It’s like asking someone if suicide is better than being murdered.

There is only ONE perfect child in the world, and every mother has it.

There is only one perfect wife in the world, and every neighbour has it!