Author: The Goof (Page 29 of 43)

Another good one from Dan.

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got back home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dances, clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.

While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”

“I see,” Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a long moment, deep in serious thought.

Finally he looked up and said, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Aggie, half his age, in a small coastal Newfoundland community.

After several months, Aggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her grandmother, all Newfoundland women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

To resolve the problem, they went to see the local veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Burin.

The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel.  This would cool her down and make her relax.

The Vet told Stan and Aggie to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.  According to the Vet, this would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and then climax.

The couple hired a strong young man from over in Lawrence to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Aggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the vet.  The Vet then said for Aggie to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

Stan and Aggie tried it that night with Stan waving the towel heroically and the young man having sex with Aggie.

Aggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:

‘And that, me son, is how ya waves a friggin’ towel!

A Newfie stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ‘About 2 hours.’ The Newfie left.

A few days later, the same Newfie stuck his head in the door and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around at the shop and said, ‘About 3 hours.’ The Newfie left.

A week later, the same Newfie stuck his head in the shop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around the shop and said, ‘About an hour and a half .’ The Newfie left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, ‘Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that Newfie and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.’ A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, ‘So, where does that Darn Newfie go when he leaves?’

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,………. ‘Your house!

You Stupid Bastard!

You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid?

You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named “America’s Sweetheart.”

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away.

You really are a piece of work! You are the most hated ass-hole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks a million for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch!

Tiger

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking a mid-term exam.

The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk,’ worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child. 2. It provides immunity against several diseases. 3. It is always the right temperature. 4. It is inexpensive. 5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the period, he wrote…

7. It comes in 2 cute containers.

Note: He got 70!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, ‘Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.’

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father’s mouth was agape. ‘That was beautiful,’ he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, ‘I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.’
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, ‘Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.’ The blonde frowned and said, ‘It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.’ She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, ‘I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course. If anyone of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.’

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, ‘Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.’

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. ‘Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.’

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, ‘That’s a gimme, sweetheart.’ The blonde smiled and said, ‘Your car or mine?’

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

Zoo Signs

[image: cid:3339074596_70801156]

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

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ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favourite!!

WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.