The medical examiner’s report has come in and it seems he didn’t overdose at all. It seems he died because he choked on twelve year old sausage.
(thanks Linnea!)
Author: The Goof (Page 28 of 43)
Paddy is planning to marry, he is. He asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, “Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel.” Paddy asks, “Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?”
The doctor replies, “Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, “That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever did see . . .”, you hit her with the shovel.’
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device…
A vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. ‘You impotent bastard,’ She screamed at him, ‘How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!’
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
‘I’ll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.’
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
____________________________________________________________________________________
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says: ________________________________________________________________________
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk’s costume. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. _________________________________________________________________________
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
__________________________________________________________________________ Dear Sir, We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about ‘Oral Sex’
A. 3% liked the warmth.
B. 4% enjoyed the sensation.
*C. 93% appreciated the silence.*
A selection of some very funny cartoons sent by the ever prolific Dan!
.
*Marvin*
CREATIVE PUNS FOR “EDUCATED MINDS”
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse..
22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
You think you have lived to be 60 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to pieces.
An old cowboy sat down at a Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to repeat a rumour.
In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students…?”
“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called, ‘The Test of Three.”
“Test of Three?”
“That is correct,” Socrates continued.
“Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first Test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what You are about to tell me is true?”
“No,” the man replied, “actually I just heard about it.”
“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”
“No, on the contrary…”
“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, “You may still pass though because there is a third test – the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?” “No, not really…”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?”
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.