Category: Jokes (Page 22 of 37)

They complain about the RCMP, but you rarely hear about the positive things that they do, such as this one.

In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.
For example:

On a bitterly cold winter’s day several years ago in Northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

“What’s the matter?” asked the Policeman.

“Carburetor’s frozen,” was the terse reply.

“Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.”

“Can’t.”

“OK, Watch me and I will show you.”

The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.

The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: “On behalf of my daughter, who was recently stranded . . . .”

Ontario Judge makes unprecedented ruling – another case of truth being stranger than fiction…

TORONTO, ONTARIO (CP)

A seven-year-old Toronto, Ontario boy was at the centre of a Toronto city courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law & regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy alleged they had also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references & confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone!

98% of Canadians say “Oh shit” before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are from Tillsonburg and they say “Hold my beer and watch this!”

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

Man: Hey Doc. What’s the secret to a long life?
Doctor: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Doctor: No, but that way the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It’s a formality – like two boxers shaking hands before the fight starts!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let’s observe 2 minutes of silence.

It’s funny when people discuss love marriages vs. Arranged marriages.
It’s like asking someone if suicide is better than being murdered.

There is only ONE perfect child in the world, and every mother has it.

There is only one perfect wife in the world, and every neighbour has it!

My wife and I always compromise – I admit I’m wrong – and she agrees with me.

Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

Ladies first – pretty ladies firster!

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, preferably with the same person.

You’re getting old – when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

Saving is the best thing – especially if your parents have done it for you.

Don’t feel bad – lots of people have no talent.

Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you can’t live without, but which ever you do, you’ll regret it later.

You can’t buy love – but you pay heavily for it.

Bad politicians get elected because good citizens don’t vote.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Marriage is give and take.
You’d better give it to her
Or she’ll take it.

Regular naps prevent old age – especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent – having two or more makes you a referee.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right – And the other is the husband!

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried but they still wanted cash.

A child’s greatest period of growth – Is the month right after you’ve bought new school uniforms.