Author: The Goof (Page 40 of 43)

Hey, maybe I’ll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.
— Jim Carrey in Pet Detective (1993)

I ain’t never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while? I ordered some pizza.
— Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) in Beverly Hills Cop (1984)

This is the cleanest and nicest police car I’ve ever been in my life. This thing is nicer than my apartment.
— Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) in Beverly Hills Cop (1984)

Hey, what about Shrek? He’s ugly 24/7!
— Donkey (Eddie Murphy) in Shrek (2001)

Dr. Dolittle: You’ll be the most famous bear in the world! Archie: Bigger than Pooh? Dr. Dolittle: If you get this right, everybody will be saying, Winnie the Who!
— Dr. Dolittle (Eddie Murphy) in Dr Dolittle (1998, 2001)

Oh, Shrek. Don’t worry. Things just seem bad because it’s dark and rainy and Fiona’s father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
— Donkey in Shrek 2 (2004)

He trips underwater. Now who trips… underwater? And by the way, on what?
— Oscar (Will Smith) in Shark Tale (2004)

You cannot leave everything to Fate, boy. She’s got a lot to do. Sometimes you must give her a hand.
— Danielle (Drew Barrymore) in Ever After (1998)

I don’t trust a man who makes toys in a land where children are forbidden.
— Childcatcher (Robert Helpmann) in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)

I haven’t lost it, I just can’t find it. There’s a difference you know.
— Alex (Freddie Boath) in The Mummy Returns (2001)

Alex: Are we there yet? Lock-Nah: No. Alex: Are we there yet? Lock-Nah: No. Alex: Are we there yet? Lock-Nah: No. Alex: Are we… [Lock-Nah stabs his knife right between Alex’s fingers] Alex: Wow, that’s amazing. Perfect aim. Lock-Nah: What are you talking about? I missed.
— Freddie Boath and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje in The Mummy Returns (2001)

Meela: What a bright little child. Your mother must be missing you terribly. If you wish to see her again, you better behave. Alex: Lady, I don’t behave for my parents, what makes you think I’m going to do it for you?
— The Mummy Returns (2001)

I’m not helpless. I’m not helpless. I am helpless. I’m gonna die.
— Daphne (Sarah Michelle Gellar) in Scooby-Doo (2002)

Sometimes belief is all we have.
— Lisa (Kristen Miller) in Team America: World Police (2004)

A flying limo? Now I’ve seen everything.
— Gary Johnston (Trey Parker) in Team America: World Police (2004)

You come here uninvited. Go back to your ships and go home.
— Hector (Eric Bana) in Troy (2004)

I’ll be back!
— The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) in Terminator (1984)

Do you want this jacket? I don’t need it.
— Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise) in Jerry Maguire (1996)

Relax Luther, it’s much worse than you think.
— Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) in Mission: Impossible (1996)

Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
— Ian (Jeff Goldblum) in Jurassic Park (1993)

Why don’t you make like a tree… and get outta here.
— Thomas F. Wilson (Biff) in Back to Future (1985)

I;m just a girl, standing infront of a boy, asking him to love her.
— Notting Hill

I have very little time, and so the conversation will be entirely about me and I shall love it.
— Beverly Carlton (Reginald Carlton) in Man Who Came to Dinner (1942)

Did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to go, and still have the feeling that you wanted to stay?
— Banjo (Jimmy Durante) in Man Who Came to Dinner (1942)

A man’s got to know his limitations.
— Harry callahan (Clint Eastwood) in Magnum Force (1973)

Inside each and every one of us is our one, true authentic swing. Something we was born with. Something that’s ours and ours alone. Something that can’t be learned… something that’s got to be remembered.
— Bagger Vance (Will Smith) in Legend of Bagger Vance (2000)

No, I am merely stating that uhh… life finds a way.
— Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff GoldBlum)

You don’t actually think they spend $20,000.00 on a hammer, $30,000.00 on a toilet seat do you?
— Julius Levinson (Judd Hirsch) in Independence Day (1996)

Never give up! Never surrender!
— Jason Nesmith (Tim Allen) in Galaxy Quest (1999)

There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.
— Don Juan (Johnny Depp) in Don Juan De Marco (1995)

There is no death. It is only a transition to a different sphere of conscienceness.
— Tangina (Zelda Rubenstein) in Poltergeist (1982)

Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.
— Helen Hunt (Carol Connelly) in As Good As It Gets (1997)

(referring to Apple Computers) He got me invested in some kinda fruit company.
— Forrest Gum (Tom Hanks) in Forrest Gump (1994)

I’m a mawg: half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend!
— Barf (John Candy) in Spaceballs (1987)

Smile, it enhances your face value.
— Truvy (Dolly Parton) in Steel Magnolias (1989)

I haven’t got a brain… only straw.
— Scarecrow (Ray Bolger) in Wizard of Oz (1939)

Old age. It’s the only disease, Mr. Thompson, that you don’t look forward to being cured of.
— Bernstein (Everett Sloane) in Citizen Kane (1941)

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain’t never seen a donkey fly!
— Donkey (Eddie Murphy) in Shrek (2001)

Oh! Oh he’s mean. He’s just mean spirited. Alright, how many espressos have you had?
— Rusty Ryan (Brad Pitt) in Ocean’s Twelve (2004)

I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.
— Scarlett (Vivien Leigh) in Gone with the Wind (1939)

I’m your wife! I’m the greatest good you’re ever gonna get!
— Honey in The Incredibles (2004)

Frodo: I’m going to Mordor alone. Sam: Of course you are, and I’m going with you!
— Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

“Hello, this is a recording, you’ve dialed the right number, now hang up and don’t do it again.”
— Danny Ocean (Frank Sinatra) in Ocean’s Eleven (1960)

“I want to help you. Let me do one last thing, something useful for a change… Let me show you where the Major is.”
— Danilov (Joseph Fiennes) in Enemy at the Gates (2001)

“Mr. President, you’ve got bigger problems than losing me. You just lost my vote.”
— Sydney Ellen Wade (Annette Bening) in The American President (1995)

“First she steals my publicity. Then she steals my lawyer, my trial date. And now she steals my goddamn garter.”
— Velma Kelly (Catherine Zeta-Jones) in Chicago (2002)

“Metaman – express elevator! Dynaguy – snagged on takeoff! Splashdown – sucked into a vortex! NO CAPES!”
— Edna ‘E’ Mode (voice of Brad Bird) in The Incredibles (2004)

“Swordsmanship’s ultimate achievement is the absence of the sword in both hand and heart. The swordsman is at peace with the rest of the world. He vows not to kill and to bring peace to mankind.”
— King of Qin in Hero (2002)

“What if I were in a coma, and the doc says, ‘One more day?'”
“I’d throw you into the ocean… Shock therapy.”
— Manni and Lola in Run Lola Run (1998)

“At least you’ll never be a vegetable – even artichokes have hearts.”
— Amélie (Audrey Tautou) in Amélie(2001)

“He’s a fountain of misplaced rage. Name your cliche; Mother held him too much or not enough, last picked at kickball, late night sneaky uncle, whatever. Now he’s so angry that moments of levity actually cause him pain; give him headaches. Happiness, for that gentleman, hurts.”
— Garland Greene (Steve Buscemi) in Con Air (1997)

“How many languages do you speak? – I speak one. One Zero One Zero Zero. With that I could steal your money, your secrets, your sexual fantasies, your whole life.”
— Taz ‘Rat’ Finch (DJ Qualls) in The Core (2003)

“I can’t judge. There are two kinds of people in Alaska: those who were born here and those who come here to escape something. I wasn’t born here.”
— Rachel Clement (Maura Tierney) in Insomnia (2002)

”I’m here Huckleberry”
— Doc Holliday (Val Kilmer) Tombstone

“Relationships that start under intense circumstances, they never last.”
— Annie (Sandra Bullock) in Speed (1994)

“Are you mad? I already told you my children are photosensitive. THE LIGHT WILL KILL THEM.”
— Grace (Nicole Kidman) in The Others (2001)

“Summoning up a true love spell called Amas Veritas. He can flip pancakes in the air. He’ll be marvelously kind. And his favorite shape will be a star. And he’ll have one green eye and one blue.”
— Sally Owens (Sandra Bullock) in Practical Magic (1998)

“I’m not afraid of the man who wants ten nuclear weapons, Colonel. I’m terrified of the man who only wants one.”
— Julia Kelly (Nicole Kidman) in The Peacemaker (1997)

“Isn’t this the moment where one of us is supposed to say: Look, this is ridiculous, we love each other, all couples go through this, let’s give it another try.”
— Ben Jordan (Bruce Willis) in The Story of Us (1999)

“I think she’s startin’ to suspect something.” “Who?” “Your wife.”
— Claire & Norman Spencer (Michelle Pfeiffer & Harrison Ford) in What Lies Beneath (2000)

“No hay banda! There is no band. It is all an illusion…”
— Bondar (Richard Green) in Mulholland Dr. (2001)

“She doesn’t like it in the barn. The horses keep her up at night.”
— Aidan Keller (David Dorfman) in The Ring (2002)

“Do you believe there is a part of yourself, deep inside in your mind, with things you don’t want other people to see? During a session when I’m inside, I get to see those things.”
— Catharine Deane (Jennifer Lopez) in The Cell (2000)

“You’re a… you’re a complex Freudian hallucination having something to do with my mother and I don’t know why you have wings, but you have very lovely legs and you’re a very nice tiny person and what am I saying, I don’t know who my mother was; I’m an orphan and I’ve never done drugs because I missed the sixties, I was an accountant.”
— Peter Banning (Robin Williams) in Hook (1991)

Look down the road to her wedding. I’m in a room alone with her, fixing her veil, fluffing her dress, telling her no woman has ever looked so beautiful. And my fear is she’ll think, “I wish my mom were here.”
— Isabel (Julia Roberts) in Stepmom (1998)

“*Please* let me follow the nanny. She doesn’t shave her legs. Women like that are so… HOT.”
— Fiedler (Jack Black) in Enemy of the State (1998)

“If you think I’m lying, drop the bomb. If you think I’m crazy, drop the bomb. But don’t drop the bomb just because you’re following orders!”
— Sam Daniels (Dustin Hoffman) in Outbreak (1995)

“You don’t know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do…I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.”
— Jessica Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)

“What have you got against her anyway?” “Not my lips!”
— Oscar and Angie (Will Smith and Renee Zellewegger) in Shark Tale (2004)

That’s what i like about high school girls…..I get older…..they stay the same age.
— Matthew McConaughey (Dazed and Confused) 1992

“One point twenty one Gigawatts!” Whats a gigawatt?
— Doc Brown, Marty McFly(Christopher Lloyd, Michael J Fox) Back To The Future (1985)

A man in a really nice camper, wants to sign us. Im signing………..your signing…….we’re all signing!!
— That Thing You Do (1996)

“I should feel safe, but I don’t, so I live off the grid – no phone, no address, no one and nothing can find me. I’ve erased all connections to the past, but as hard as I try I can’t erase my dreams, my nightmares.”
— John Connor (Nick Stahl) in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

“I need to talk to the guard who forgot to lock the gate.”
— Alice Marano (Claire Danes) in Brokedown Palace (1999)

“Every day for the last three weeks you’ve been coming in here and you’ve been asking me how the tuna is. Now, it was crappy yesterday, it was crappy the day before and guess what? It hasn’t changed.”
— Mia Toretto (Jordana Brewster) in The Fast and the Furious (2001)

“She bit me man, she took a chunk clean right outta me!”
— Rain (Michelle Rodriguez) in Resident Evil (2002)

“A *person* is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.”
— Agent Kay (Tommy Lee Jones) in Men in Black (1997)

Supercalafragilisticexpialidocious
— Mary Poppins (Julie Andrews)

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? I ask that of all my prey.
— Joker, Jack Nicholson

“Isn’t it funny – you hear a phone ringing and it could be anybody. But a ringing phone has to be answered, doesn’t it?”
— The Caller (Kiefer Sutherland) in Phone Booth (2002)

“I read this article a while back, that said that Microsoft employs more millionaire secretary’s that any other company in the world. They took stock options over Christmas bonuses. It was a good move.”
— Seth Davis (Giovanni Ribisi) in Boiler Room (2000)

“There is a flip side to that coin. What if you do got me boxed in and I gotta put you down? Cause no matter what, you will not get in my way. We’ve been face to face, yeah. But I will not hesitate. Not for a second.”
— Neil McCauley (Robert De Niro) in The Heat (1995)

“Take a look at a castle, any castle. Now, break down the key elements that make it a caste. Location. Protection. Garrison. Flag. The only difference between this castle and all the rest is they were built to keep people out, this castle was built to keep people in.”
— Lt. Gen. Eugene Irwin (Robert Redford) in The Last Castle (2001)

“I have endured what no one on earth has endured. I have kissed the hands of the man who killed my son.”
— Priam (Peter O’Toole) in Troy (2004)

“People ask me, why do you do it man? They don’t understand, it’s about the men next to you. That’s all it is.”
— Sergeant 1st Class Norm “Hoot” Gibson (Eric Bana) in Black Hawk Down (2001)

“What’s his type? Wilting flower? Bright and bubbly? Or smoldering temptress?”
— Satine (Nicole Kidman) in Moulin Rouge! (2001)

“If two people love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?”
— Samantha Barzel (Julia Roberts) in The Mexican (2001)

“I’ll let fate decide what to do with you. If the police don’t get you, the other Chinese families will. Do what you will father, but this time no one will go to prison for you.”
— Han Sing (Jet Li) in Romeo Must Die (2000)

“Now, if you two don’t mind, I’m going to bed before either of you come up with another clever idea to get us killed. Or worse, expelled.”
— Hermione Granger (Emma Watson) in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001)

“Well we can do it my way, or we can all come back in time for the next allignment and you’re welcome to try and kill me then, in oh, say, another 5,000 years.”
— Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie) in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

“I’ve got two jobs. I’ve discovered that you have to work twice as hard when it’s honest.”
— Sway (Angelina Jolie) in Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000)

“I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.”
— Seth (Nicolas Cage) in City of Angels (1998)

“The Godfather answers all of life’s questions. What to pack for a trip? ‘Leave the gun, take the cannolis.’ ”
— Joe Fox (Tom Hanks) in You’ve Got Mail (1998)

“Well, I’m gonna get out of bed every morning… breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out… and, then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. ”
— Sam Baldwin (Tom Hanks) in Sleepless in Seattle (1993)

“I am Nature’s arm. Her spirit. Her will. Hell, I am Mother Nature, and the time has come for plants to take back the world so rightfully ours! ’cause it’s not nice to fool with Mother Nature.”
— Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) in Batman & Robin (1997)

“Ten oughta do it, don’t you think? You think we need one more? You think we need one more. Alright, we’ll get one more.”
— Daniel Ocean (George Clooney) in Ocean’s Eleven (2001)

“Superman stands alone. Superman did not become Superman, Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he is Superman.”
— Bill (David Carradine) in Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004)

“My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flashes.”
— Mrs. Doubtfire (Robin Williams) in Mrs. Doubtfire (1993).

“It was an old tradition. Only the most dutiful of daughters would put her own flesh in a soup to save her mother’s life. My mother did this with her whole heart even though my grandmother had disowned her. This is how a daughter honors her mother. The pain of the flesh is nothing. The pain you must forget. This is the most important sacrifice a daughter can make for her mother. ”
— An-Mei Hsu (Lisa Lu) in The Joy Luck Club (2003)

“I caught an uncatchable fish.”
— Senior Ed Bloom (Albert Finney) in Big Fish (2003)

“Desire is irrelevant. I am a machine.”
— Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

“Forgive them, Father. They know not what they do.”
— Jesus (James Caviezel) in Passion of the Christ (2004)

“They — eat — pigs? Pork, they call it. Or bacon. They only call them pigs when they’re alive.”
— Babe and Cat (Christine Cavanaugh and Russi Taylor voice) in Babe (1995)

“We got… We got cows!”
— Jo (Helen Hunt) in Twister (1996)

“All major theme parks have delays. When they opened Disneyland in 1956, nothing worked.” “Yeah, but if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don’t eat the tourists.”
— John Hammond and Dr. Ian Malcolm (Richard Attenborough and Jeff Goldblum) in Jurassic Park (1993)

“Shhh. Give me your hand. Now close your eyes. Go on, step up. Now hold on to the railing. Keep your eyes closed. Don’t peek.”
— Jack and Rose (Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet) in Titanic (1997)

“Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words, with great power comes great responsibility. This is my gift, my curse. Who am I? ”
— Spider-Man/Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) in Spider-Man (2002)

“I have to be able to see where I am going, otherwise I could wind up inside a wall.”
— Nightcrawler (Alan Cumming) in X2 (2003)

“I just want to apologize to Josh’s mom, and Mike’s mom, and my mom. I am so sorry!”
— Heather Donahue (Heather Donahue) in The Blair Witch Project (1999)

“Having a kid is great… as long as his eyes are closed and he’s not moving or talking.”
— Sonny Koufax (Adam Sandler) in Big Daddy (1999)

“The fact that you stopped it from falling doesn’t mean it wasn’t going to fall… The fact that you prevented it from happening doesn’t change the fact that it was going to happen.”
— John Anderton (Tom Cruise) in Minority Report (2002)

“Most of us live our whole lives… without any real adventure to call our own.”
— Rebecca Dearborn (Tilda Swinton) in Vanilla Sky (2001)

“Look, I guarantee there’ll be tough times. I guarantee that at some time, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you’re the only one for me. ”
— Ike Graham (Richard Gere) in Runaway Bride (1999)

“After all… I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”
— Anna Scott (Julia Roberts) in Notting Hill (1999)

“Mama always said, dying was a part of life.”
— Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks) in Forrest Gump (1994)

“Remember: Always let your conscience be your guide.”
— The Blue Fairy (Evelyn Venable voice) in Pinocchio (1940)

“Where the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.”
— Maria (Julie Andrews) in The Sound of Music (1965)

“He’s only a kid Harry. We can take him.”
— Marv Merchants (Daniel Stern) in Home Alone (1990)

[singing]”I want adventure in the great, wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell. And for once it would be grand to have someone understand. I want so much more than they’ve got planned.”
— Belle (Paige O’Hara voice) in Beauty and the Beast (1991)

“Kids these days. They just don’t get scared like they used to.”
— Henry J. Waternoose (James Coburn voice) in Monsters Inc. (2001)

“Dead people like, in graves? In coffins?” “Walking around like regular people. They don’t see each other. They only see what they want to see. They don’t know they’re dead.”
— Malcolm Crowe and Cole Sear (Bruce Willis and Haley Joel Osment) in The Six Sense (1999)

“I’d be the worst possible Godfather. I’d probably drop her on her head at her christening. I’d forget all her birthdays until she was 18. Then I’d take her out and get her drunk. And, let’s face it, quite possibly try and shag her.”
— Will (Hugh Grant) in About a Boy (2002)

“Five schillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.”
— Captain of Guards in Shrek (2001)

“When I die and I stand before God awaiting judgment and he asks me why I let one of HIS miracles die, what am I gonna say, that it was my job?”
— Paul Edgecomb (Tom Hanks) in The Green Mile (1999)

“Ohh, what’s really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have broken it if I hadn’t said anything? ”
— Oracle (Gloria Foster) in The Matrix (1999)

“I only wanted to warn you that Sammy can get into trouble faster than you can make most women smile.”
— Melanie Parker (Michelle Pfeiffer) in One Fine Day (1996)

“I’m too old for you.” “Oh, no… I collect antiques.”
— Will and Charlotte (Richard Gere and Winona Ryder) in Autumn in New York (2000)

“Would you please tell the audience… err… the jury what happened?”
— Billy Flynn (Richard Gere) in Chicago (2002)

“I do wish we could chat longer, but I’m having an old friend for dinner. Bye.”
— Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins) in The Silence of the Lambs

“You’re going to give her an injection of adrenaline directly to her heart. ”
— Lance (Eric Stoltz) in Pulp Fiction (1994)

“Those of you lucky enough to have your lives take them with you. However, leave the limbs you’ve lost. They belong to me now.”
— The Bride (Uma Thurman) in Kill Bill Vol 1 (2003)

“Choice? He’s the only one here your age. That’s not a choice, it’s a lack of option. ”
— Harry Stamper (Bruce Willis) In Armageddon (1998)

“Me? I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly… stupid.”
— Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

“I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy.”
— Dory [to a jellyfish] in Finding Nemo

“I like the way I feel. I like thinking about the red dress and the television and you and your father. Now when I get the sun, I smile.”
— Sara Goldfarb in Requiem for a Dream

“When you have insomnia, you’re never really asleep… and you’re never really awake.”
— The Narrator (Edward Norton) in Fight Club

“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.”
— Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) [in a letter to Red] in The Shawshank Redemption

“I’m packing your extra pair of shoes, and your angry eyes just in case.”
— Mrs. Potato Head [to Mr. Potato Head] in Toy Story 2 (1999)

“We were supposed to draw a picture, anything we wanted. I drew a man who got hurt in the neck by another man with a screwdriver.”
— Cole Sear (Haley Joel Osment) from The Sixth Sense (1999)

“Remember those posters that said, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life”? Well, that’s true of every day but one – the day you die.”
— Lester Burnham (played by Kevin Spacey) from American Beauty(1999)

“Do you spend time with your family? Good. Because a man that doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.”
— Don Corleone from The Godfather(1972)

“Come on. Stop trying to hit me and hit me.”
— Morpheus from The Matrix (1999)

“You call that begging? You can beg better than that.”
— Go Go Yubari from Kill Bill, Vol 1(2003)

1. “Well, we knocked the bastard off!” – Sir Edmund Hillary, just after ascending Mount Everest

2. “Drink a little wine before dinner and you’ll play for years.” – Ty Cobb to Stan Musial

3. “Being Responsible sometimes means pissing people off.” – Colin Powell

4. “Many are called but few get up.” – Oliver Herford

5. “I prayed for 20 years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.” – Frederick Douglass, escaped slave

6. “If anything goes bad, I did it. If anything goes really good, you did it. that’s all it takes to get people to win football games for you.” – Paul “Bear” Bryant

7. “Fast is fine, but accuracy is everything.” – Wyatt Earp

8. “It’s not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” – Charles Darwin

9. “You tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, don’t try.” – Homer Simpson

10. “Most games are lost, not won.” – Casey Stengel

11. “No one has yet calculated how many imaginary triumphs are silently celebrated by people each year to keep up their courage.” – Athenaeus, circa AD 200

12. “Probe with bayonets. If you encounter steel, withdraw. If you encounter mush, continue.” – Vladimir Lenin

13. “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” – Mahatma Gandhi

14. “If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.” – George Brett

15. “My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.” – J. Paul Getty

16. “Coaches who can outline plays on a blackboard are a dime a dozen. the ones who win get inside their players and motivate.” – Vince Lombardi

17. “I feel sorry for someone who has to win at everything.” – Snoopy

18. “If A equals success, then the formula is A = X+Y+Z, where X is work, Y is play, and Z is keep your mouth shut.” – Albert Einstein

19. “Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.” – Thomas Jefferson

20. “We’re not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks…We are advancing constantly, and we are not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy’s balls. We are going to twist his balls and kicke the living shit out of him…” – General George Patton to his troops, just before D Day

21. “Retreat, hell! We just got here!” – Capt. Lloyd Williams, USMC, on the first day of the battle for Belleau Wood in World War I. Williams was killed; the battle was won.

As from Men’s Health, September 2003

“Machines are worshipped beacuse they are beautiful, and valued because they confer power.” – Bertrand Russell

“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” – Arthur C. Clarke

“A machine is as distinctively and brillinatly and expressively human as a violin sonata or a Euclidean theorem.” – Gregory Vlastos

“However far modern science and [technology] have fallen short of their inherent possibilities, they have taught mankind at least one lesson: Nothing is impossible.” – Lewis Mumford

“A new gadget that lasts only 5 minutes is worth more than an immortal work that bores everyone.” – Francis Picabia

“Old boys have their playthings ass well as young ones; the difference is only in price.” – Benjamin Franklin

“An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.” – Franklin P. Adams

As from Men’s Health, December 2003

“If you had to define stress, it would not be far off if you said it was the process of living. The process of living is the process of having stress imposed on you and reacting to it.” – Stanley J. Sarnoff

“I’m so used to pressure I’m afraid if it stopped I’d get the bends.” – Walter Headley

“Anxiety is the intrest paid on trouble before it’s due.” – William R. Inge

“Many of our cares are but a morbid way of looking at our privileges.” – Sir Walter Scott

“The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” – Robert Frost

“When you don’t have nay money, the problem is food. When you have money, it’s sex. When you have both, it’s health. If everything is simply jake, then your’re frightened of death.” – J.P. Donleavy

“I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” – Charles M. Schultz

“I don’t suffer from stress – I’m a carrier…” – Scott Adams

As from Men’s Health, July/August 2004

Quotes from The 100 Best Things Ever Said By Men, collected by Mark Bricklin, Men’s Health Magazine, December 2001
Page 1

“Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.” – Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec

“There are two things no man will admit cannot do well- drive and make love.” – Stirling Moss

“The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards.” – Alexander Jablokov

“There are no rules here. We’re just trying to accomplish something.” – Thomas Edison

“God gave man both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams, on Clinton/Lewinsky

“Death be not proud.” – John Donne

“Dyin’ is a pain in the ass.” – Frank Sinatra

“If there’s anything in the world I hate, it’s leeches- filthy little devils!” – Humphrey Bogart, as Charlie Alnutt in The African Queen

“I will be so brief I have already finished.” – Salbador Dali, in world’s shortest speech

“Knowledge speaks but wisdom listens.” – Jimi Hendrix

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens.” – Michael Caine

“My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.” – Emo Phillips

“No sane man will dance.” – Cicero

“I always turn to the sports page first. They record people’s accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man’s failure.” – Chief Justice Earl Warren

“Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.” – Robert Frost

“Assassins!” – Arturo Toscanini to his orchestra

“If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.” – Jay Leno

“This the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.” – T.S. Eliot

“We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.” – Winston Churchill, 1940

“Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.” – Mao Tse Tung

“The ballot is stronger that the bullet.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Once integrity is lost, the rest is a piece of cake.” – Larry Hagman, as J.R. Ewing

“It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.” – Mark Twain

“Love your enemies.” – Jesus

“Love conquers all.” – Virgil

“I’ve had 18 straight whiskeys. I think that’s the record.” – poet Dylan Thomas, just before his death in 1953

“We were bastards. You have to be a bastard to make it, and that’s a fact. And The Beatles were the biggest bastards on earth.” – John Lennon, on the early days

“What God hath joined together no man ever shall put asunder. God will take care of that.” – George Bernard Shaw

“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” – Albert Einstein

“We will go through the Hun like crap through a goose.” – George C. Scott, as Gen. George Patton in Patton

“Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.” – Voltaire

“If you aren’t fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.” – Vince Lombardi

“I heard and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.” – Confucius

“Yippie-ky-yay, mother fu**er!” – Bruce Willis, as Detective John McClane in Die Hard

“I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.” – Walt Whitman

“Nyuck, nyuck!” – Curly Howard

“Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth.” – Pablo Picasso

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal, as Mitch Robbins in City Slickers

Love and do what you will.” – St. Augustine

“The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.” – Billy Graham

“Sometime they’ll give a war and nobody will come.” – Carl Sandburg

“Happiness is having large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.” – Aldous Huxley

“Your ignorance cramps my conversation.” – Anthony Hope

“Of course, [God] will forgive me. It’s his business.” – Heinrich Heine, on his deathbed

“We’re going to bomb them back into the Stone Age.” – Gen. Curtis Lemay, on North Vienam

“You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.” – C.S. Lewis

“Oh, Goddam it, we forgot the silent prayer!” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

“If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face- forever.” – George Orwell

“Love is a sever mental disorder.” – Plato

“Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.” – Groucho Marx

“The time is always right to do right.” – Nelson Mandela

“Is that your final answer?” – Regis Philbin

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.” – Homer Simpson

“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that’s bad for you.” – Tommy Smothers

“In the fight between you and the world, back the world.” – Frank Kafka

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

“If you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and success of liberty.” – John F. Kennedy

“There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry.” – Gen. George Armstrong Custer

“I ain’t got no quarrel with them Viet Cong.” – Muhammad Ali

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” – Jimmy Durante

“Everything flows and nothing stays.” – Heraclitus

“I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers.” – Marilyn Manson

“We are here on earth to fart around. Don’t let anyone tell you any different!” – Kirt Vonnegut

“The gods too are fond of a joke.” – Aristotle

“It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.” – Leo Tolstoy

“I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance.” – Socrates

” I never cared about acceptance as much as I cared about respect.” – Jackie Robinson

“The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyrs.” – Muhammad

“I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it.” – Jonathan Winters

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein

“At 18 our convictions are hills from which we look; at 45 they are caves in which we hide.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” – Samuel Johnson

“If I have seen further than others, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.” – Isaac Newton

“If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders.” – Hal Abelson, MIT professor

“I write as a sow piddles.” – Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” – Henny Youngman

“Rules are made for people who aren’t willing to make up their own.” – Chuck Yeager

“It is well that war is so terrible. We should grow too fond of it.” – Robert E. Lee

“If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

“Hear me my chiefs. I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I will fight no more forever.” – Chief Joseph

“If you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.” – Woody Allen

“We’re lost but we’re making good time.” – Yogi Berra

“When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.” – Richard Nixon

“It depends upon what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.” – Bill Clinton

“Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom’s. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.” – Nelson Algren

“I could eat alphabet soup and sh*t better lyrics.” – Johnny Mercer, on a British musical

“If I find 10000 ways something won’t work, I haven’t failed.” – Thomas Edison

“Greed works!” – Michael Douglas, as Gordon Gecko in Wall Street

“When turkeys mate they think of swans.” – Johnny Carson

“Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.” – Howell Forgy, at Pearl Harbor

“Every woman should marry- and no man.” – Benjamin Disraeli

“There is a theory that states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote out attention to eating.” – Luciano Pavarotti

“Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth. Truth is not beauty. Beauty is not love. Love is not music.” – Frank Zappa

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” – Thomas Jefferson

“Let’s roll.” – Todd Beamer, a passenger on doomed Flight 93, as he and others moved to overcome the hijackers

As found in Men’s Health, December 2001. Compiled by Mark Bricklin

A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see, and hits it. – Proverb

All good things which exist are the fruits of originality. – John Stuart Mill

I have learned to use the word “impossible” with the greatest caution. – Wernher von Braun

We become what we are by the refusal of that which others have made of us. – Jean-Paul Sartre

If I try to be like him, who will be like me? – Proverb

As found in Men’s Health, 2001

Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you have not committed. – Anthony Powell

When I grow up, I want to be a little boy. – Joseph Heller

The man who views the world at 50 teh same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. – Muhammad Ali

Don’t complain about growing old – many people don’t have that privilege. – Elbert Hubbard

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at 20 or 80. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young. – Henry Ford

As found in Men’s Health, June 2004

It is not the return on my investment that I am concerned about; it is the return of my investment. — Will Rogers

The greatest waste of money is to keep it. — Jackie Gleason

Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex. You thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did. — James Baldwin, American novelist and essayist

Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it. – Salvador Dali

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. – Richard Bach

I can’t work out in front of women. I don’t want them to see me when I’m on my way to my goal – which is them. – Craig Shoemaker

If you’re afraid fo losing, then you daren’t win. – Bjorn Borg

One day of practice is like one day of clean living. It doesn’t do you any good. – Abe Lemmons

Any workout which does not involve a certain minimum of danger or responsibility does not improve the body – it just wears it out. – Norman Mailer

You don’t run 26 miles at 5 minutes a mile on good looks and a secret recipe. – Frank Shorter

If you train hard, you’ll not only be hard, you’ll be hard to beat. – Herschel Walker

Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign something is eating us. – Peter de Vries

Why do I have to start my diet on pork chops night? – Homer Simpson

As found in Men’s Health, May 2004

“Money couldn’t buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.” – Spike Milligan

“I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that’s who I am, and you’re nothing.” – Alec Baldwin, Glengarry Glen Ross

“If you can actually count your money, then you are not really a rich man.” – J. Paul Getty

“If we command our wealth, we shall be rich and free. If our wealth commands us, we are poor indeed.” – Edmund Burke

“You can’t be too greedy.” – Donald Trump

“Money is like an arm or a leg. Use it or lose it.” – Henry Ford

“I’ve always loathed rich people, so I’ve become who I’ve loathed, which makes it doubly difficult, if you can follow me.” – Larry David

“Money doesn’t talk; it swears.” – Bob Dylan, “It’s Alright, Ma (I’m only bleeding)

“I like money. It’s fund to fold and stack and smell and look at. It’s just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain’s hat and a coin changer.” – Dennis Miller

“Money is like a sixth sense without which you cannot make complete use of the other five.” – W. Somerset Maugham

“Always try to rub up against money, for if you rub up against money long enough, some of it may rub off on you.” – Damon Runyon

“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

“We got no wealthy black people. We got rich people. Shaq is rich. The guy who signs his checks is wealthy.” – Chris Rock

“Money is no object…unless you intend to spend it.” – Pointy-Haired Boss, Dilbert

“It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.” – Oscar Wilde

“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. then when you get the power, then you get the women.” – Al Pacino, Scarface

“I will tell you the secret of getting rich on Wall Street. You try to be greedy when others are fearful, and you try to be very fearful when others are greedy.” – Warren Buffett

“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin

“It’s all about bucks, kid. The rest is conversation.” – Michael Douglas, Wall Street

As found in Men’s Health, June 2004