Author: The Goof (Page 38 of 43)

Giving money and power to Government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
— P.J. O’Rourke

While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife.
— Clueless Iraqi radio announcer, Baghdad Betty, trying to demoralize our Gulf War troops.

I want to be reincarnated as your tampon
— Prince Charles, 1991

We may be finding that in some blacks, when the choke hold is applied, the veins or arteries do not open up like in normal people.
— Daryl Gates, former L.A. police chief and complete idiot.

Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.
— Golda Meir

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by resorting to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.
— H. L. Mencken

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.
— Aristotle

They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist–
— Last words of Union commander General John Sedgwick, spoken as he was watching enemy troops at the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.

Spatial + temporal ubiquity
(any time-any place)

“Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.” –Russian dictator Joseph Stalin

“As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”
— H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

“Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.”
–Russian dictator Joseph Stalin

I think that the undecideds could go one way or the other.
— George Bush, 1988

Honest businessmen should be protected from the unscrupulous consumer.
— Lester Maddox, then governer of Georgia, on why his state should not create a consumer protection agency.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

I did what any normal person would do at that age. You call home. You call home to mother and father and say, “I’d like to get into the National Guard.”
— Dan Quayle, vice-presidential hopeful, defending his National Guard service during the Vietnam War.

I’m not against the blacks, and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that. — Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

You always write it’s bombing, bombing, bombing. It’s not bombing, it’s air support. — Air Force Colonel David Opfer, complaining to reporters about their coverage of the Vietnam War.

Capital punishment is our societies recognition of the sanctity of human life. — Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah.

If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any war. — Senior Pentagon official, explaining why the U.S. military censored footage showing Iraqi soldiers sliced in two by U.S. helicopter fire.

I love California. I grew up in Phoenix. –Vice-President Dan Quayle

I have no weakness for shoes. I wear very simple shoes which are pump shoes. It is not one of my weaknesses. — Imelda Marcos, owner of 3,400 pairs of shoes.

Facts are stupid things. — Ronald Reagan

Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen years, with time off for good behavior? — New York Senator James H. Donovan commenting on capital punishment.

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. — General William Westmoreland on why the media should be controlled in wartime.

I stand by all the misstatements. — Dan Quayle, then vice-presidential hopeful, defending his verbal gaffes.

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.– Vice-President Dan Quayle

I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.– Richard Nixon, discussing Watergate in 1978

Casual drug users should be taken out and shot.
— Daryl Gates, Asshole Deluxe.

I didn’t inhale.
— Presidential candidate Bill Clinton

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it
-Groucho Marx

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
-Oscar Wilde

My work is done, why wait?– Suicide note of Kodak founder George Eastman

‘no one goes there anymore; it’s too crowded’ – Yogi Berra
‘when you come to a fork in the road, take it’ – Yogi Berra

Calvin’s Quotes
That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness
isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
~~~~~~~~~~~
The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning,
and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be
an intimidating and impenetrable fog!
~~~~~~~~~~~
Calvin: I’m a genius, but I’m a misunderstood genius.
Hobbes: What’s misunderstood about you?
Calvin: Nobody thinks I’m a genius.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Calvin: Can you make a living playing silly games?
His Dad: Actually, you can be among the most overpaid people on the
planet.
~~~~~~~~~~
If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don’t get asked to do it again.
~~~~~~~~~
The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real
application in life.
~~~~~~~~~
Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the
best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!
~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere
in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
~~~~~~~~~
It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what’s cool.
~~~~~~~~~
The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
~~~~~~~~
Calvin: Know what I pray for?
Hobbes: What?
Calvin: The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what
I can’t, and the incapacity to tell the difference.
~~~~~~~
I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to
seriously re-examine your life.
~~~~~~~
But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He’s one of the old gods! He
demands sacrifice!
~~~~~~~
It’s psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I’ll get a saw.
~~~~~~~
Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
~~~~~~~
Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe?
Calvin: The Horrendous Space Kablooie!
~~~~~~~
If something is so complicated that you can’t explain it in 10 seconds,
then it’s probably not worth knowing anyway.
~~~~~~~
Who wouldn’t be interested in everything we do?!
~~~~~~~
I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each
other’s dreams, we can play together all night.
~~~~~~~
As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.
~~~~~~
This one’s tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen
…
~~~~~~
You can present the material, but you can’t make me care.
~~~~~~~
YAAH! DEATH TO OATMEAL!
~~~~~~~
From now on, I’ll connect the dots my own way.
~~~~~~~
I’m learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life
… Procrastinating and rationalizing.
~~~~~~~
Reality continues to ruin my life.
~~~~~~~
Calvin: Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my
thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak.
Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice.
~~~~~~~
I liked things better when I didn’t understand them.
~~~~~~~
Is it a right to remain ignorant?
~~~~~~~
I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less
distraction.
~~~~~~~
Miss Wormwood: What state do you live in?
Calvin: Denial.
Miss Wormwood: I don’t suppose I can argue with that…
~~~~~~~
What’s the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if
nobody ever asks to see ’em?
~~~~~~~
My life needs a rewind/erase button.
~~~~~~~
Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
~~~~~~~
You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don’t
help.
~~~~~~~
I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a
cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really
comprehend the magnitude of it.
~~~~~~
Susie: You’d get a good grade without doing any work.
Calvin: So?
Susie: It’s wrong to get rewards you haven’t earned.
Calvin: I’ve never heard of anyone who couldn’t l

Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.
— Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on Chlordane.

Leonardo da Vinci “Iron rusts from disuse; stagnant water loses its purity and in cold weather becomes frozen; even so does inaction sap the vigor of the mind.”

“Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.” – George S. Patton, Jr

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.” — W. C. Fields

“two worst things in life: to have what you want & to not have what you want” -Osacr Wilde ”

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

A computer without Microsoft is like a chocolate cake without mustard.
–Peter H. Salus, Ph.D.

One reason I love e-mail is that I love the carefully chosen word. But there also an immediacy to being online that’s great… You get your messages when you want to, not when someone calls… When you write a letter, it’s your stationery, your typeface, your stamp. But when it’s e-mail, your words come up on my screen — in the color I’ve chosen, in plain text, in the place where I’ve seen my most private thoughts. A lot of people talk about virtual sex online, but I find e-mail itself has an intimacy that’s very seductive.
— Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller

“I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone”
–Bjarne Stronstrup (originator of C++ programming language)

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
— Brooke Shields, on why she wanted to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
— Jackie Mason

Isn’t there any other part of the matzo you can eat?
— Marilyn Monroe, after being served matzoball soup three meals in a row.

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It’s not fair that some men should be happier than others.
— Oscar Wilde

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
— Helen Rowland

Everyday people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
— Lenny Bruce

Who ever heard of Casablanca? I don’t want to star opposite some unknown Swedish broad.– George Raft, on the role of Rick in Casablanca.

Bite the wax tadpole.
— Coca-Cola name as originally translated into Chinese (later changed to “May the mouth rejoice”).

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
— Ad slogan “Pepsi comes alive” as initially translated into Chinese.

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” — Albert Einstein.

“The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don’t know when it’s through if you are a crook or a martyr.” — Will Rogers