Goofingaround

*Marvin*

CREATIVE PUNS FOR “EDUCATED MINDS”

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse..

22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts.  In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

You think you have lived to be 60 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to pieces.

An old cowboy sat down at a Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students…?”

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called, ‘The Test of Three.”

“Test of Three?”

“That is correct,” Socrates continued.

“Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first Test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what You are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man replied, “actually I just heard about it.”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary…”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, “You may still pass though because there is a third test – the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?” “No, not really…”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?”

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Another good one from Dan.

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got back home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dances, clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.

While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”

“I see,” Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a long moment, deep in serious thought.

Finally he looked up and said, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Aggie, half his age, in a small coastal Newfoundland community.

After several months, Aggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her grandmother, all Newfoundland women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

To resolve the problem, they went to see the local veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Burin.

The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel.  This would cool her down and make her relax.

The Vet told Stan and Aggie to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.  According to the Vet, this would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and then climax.

The couple hired a strong young man from over in Lawrence to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Aggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the vet.  The Vet then said for Aggie to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

Stan and Aggie tried it that night with Stan waving the towel heroically and the young man having sex with Aggie.

Aggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:

‘And that, me son, is how ya waves a friggin’ towel!

A Newfie stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ‘About 2 hours.’ The Newfie left.

A few days later, the same Newfie stuck his head in the door and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around at the shop and said, ‘About 3 hours.’ The Newfie left.

A week later, the same Newfie stuck his head in the shop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around the shop and said, ‘About an hour and a half .’ The Newfie left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, ‘Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that Newfie and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.’ A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, ‘So, where does that Darn Newfie go when he leaves?’

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,………. ‘Your house!

You Stupid Bastard!

You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid?

You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named “America’s Sweetheart.”

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away.

You really are a piece of work! You are the most hated ass-hole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks a million for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch!

Tiger

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking a mid-term exam.

The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk,’ worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child. 2. It provides immunity against several diseases. 3. It is always the right temperature. 4. It is inexpensive. 5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the period, he wrote…

7. It comes in 2 cute containers.

Note: He got 70!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, ‘Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.’

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father’s mouth was agape. ‘That was beautiful,’ he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, ‘I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.’
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, ‘Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.’ The blonde frowned and said, ‘It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.’ She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, ‘I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course. If anyone of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.’

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, ‘Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.’

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. ‘Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.’

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, ‘That’s a gimme, sweetheart.’ The blonde smiled and said, ‘Your car or mine?’

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!