A man comes into the ER and yells . . .’ My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab !’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – – – and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’. I instructed.. ‘Yes, they used to be,’. . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘ Which one ?’. . . I asked. ‘The patch . . . the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it! ‘I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked. ‘How long have you been bedridden ?’ After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .’ Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .’ So how’s your breakfast this morning?’ ‘ It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste.’. .. . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .’ Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said ‘Sorry . . ..had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by RN no name
As a new, young MD doing my residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams… To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you ?’ She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard. ‘ No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .’ I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
Dr. wouldn’t submit his name
After about four minutes in the examination room with a new, younger doctor, Mrs Reid burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in a room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
“What’s the matter with you?” the older doctor demanded. “Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren -and you told her she was pregnant?”
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament. The man asks, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Well, yes,” the doctor replies, “but never framed.”
There’s nothing worse than a snotty doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we have all experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?” “There’s something wrong with my penis,” he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said. The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”. “There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”.
“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied. The doctor’s office erupted in laughter.
A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning, when ! the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.
“Gee, mom,” the boy exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two,” his mother replied. “The rest are for your father.”