Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don’t?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.

Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, “Look, it’s shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?”
He says, “Put it between your legs.”
She says, “What about the smell?”
He says, “Hold its nose.”

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead.” The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn’t find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together… “Oh no,” the guy said, “they’re all at the funeral.”

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room for a little while.” Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
“Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs.”

A lady goes for her first golf lesson. The pro says, “You’ve got to hold the club like you hold your husband’s organ.” She takes the club and hits the ball. He says, “Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we’ll go for distance.