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Month: February 2009 (Page 1 of 2)

Should Children Witness Child Birth?

February 27, 2009 / / 0 Comments

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again.”

Big Trouble

February 27, 2009 / / 0 Comments
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him, “Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat”.
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

Sausage Anyone?

February 25, 2009 / / 0 Comments

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.

Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”.  He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said  “Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!!”.

Murphy replied “Don’t worry, just follow me.”.  He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamison Whiskey.

Shamus said “Now you’ve lost it!! Do you know the trouble we’ll be in? We haven’t got any money!!”

Murphy replied with a smile “Don’t you worry, lad, I have a plan. Cheers!”

They downed their drinks. Murphy said “OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy, I don’t think I can do any more o’ this.I’m drunk and me knees are killin’ me.”.

Murphy said “How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.”

Wives…

February 22, 2009 / / 0 Comments

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead.” The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn’t find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together… “Oh no,” the guy said, “they’re all at the funeral.”

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room for a little while.” Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
“Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs.”

A lady goes for her first golf lesson. The pro says, “You’ve got to hold the club like you hold your husband’s organ.” She takes the club and hits the ball. He says, “Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we’ll go for distance.

Doctor’s Receptionist

February 18, 2009 / / 0 Comments

There’s  nothing worse than a snotty doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is  wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we have all  experienced this, and I love the way this  old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s  office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir,  what are you seeing the doctor for today?”  “There’s something wrong with my penis,” he  replied.  The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a  crowded office and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,”  he said.  The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some  embarrassment in  this room full of people.You should have said there  is something wrong  with your ear or something and then discussed the  problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then  re-entered.  The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”. “There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.  The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing  he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear,  Sir?”.

“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.  The doctor’s office erupted in laughter.

No Warrent needed to see online activities.

February 17, 2009 / / 0 Comments

“Canadian judge: No warrant needed to see ISP logs

A Superior Court in Ontario, Canada has ruled that IP addresses are akin to your home address, and therefore people have no expectation of privacy when it comes to their online activities being accessed by law enforcement. This means that, in Canada, police can potentially request information from your ISP about online activities, and can do so without a warrant.”

ARRRGH!  The courts have it all wrong, yes the IP address can be associated to a street address, however the items accessed through that IP address is like mail delivered to the home.  If the police want to look into the mail that is delivered to my home they need to get a warrent.  Same goes with what I surf.

Nasty

February 15, 2009 / / 0 Comments

A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person and ended up with a local co-ed who could work evenings and weekends.

She had one eccentric characteristic (which was unknown when she was hired) she wore short skirts and no underwear. Needless to say she was a real beauty and had a figure to die for.

The bakery has a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and then use a ladder to reach the uppermost items. The item that had previously been least popular but was fast becoming the most popular with gentlemen in particular was rasin bread, which was kept on the uppermost
shelf.

One day an elderly gentleman came in and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady without thinking scurried up the ladder and then realized she had not asked the gentleman what kind of bread he had wanted so she nodded and asked, “Raisin?”

“No, he replied but it is beginning to twitch just a little.”

The funeral parlor called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such seen such a big pecker.

Well she said “Cut it off as close to his body as you can then put it up his ass”.

The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek. She leaned over and whispered in his ear “I told you it hurt, you old fucker.

Three Priests

February 13, 2009 / / 0 Comments

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. “Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg.” He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” Mortified, he too fled.

The third priest moves to the window. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger’s going to shake his Peter at you.”

Powder in my Underwear

February 12, 2009 / / 0 Comments

One morning I took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

“What the hell?” I said to myself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when I shook them out.

“Angie,” I hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

Angie shot back, “It’s not talcum powder. It’s Miracle Grow.”

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