Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too because he was gay.
Page 63 of 79
Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask…
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in last April’s issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are:
1 – “What are you thinking?”
2 – “Do you love me?”
3 – “Do I look fat?”
4 – “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
5 – “What would you do if I died?”
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 – “What are you thinking?” The proper answer to this question, of course is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.”
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a – Baseball
b – Football
c – How fat you are.
d – How much prettier she is than you.
e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. “If I wanted you to know,” Al said, “I’d be talking instead of thinking.”
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 – “Do you love me?” The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.” For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
a – I suppose so.
b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c – That depends on what you mean by “love”.
d – Does it matter?
e – Who, me?
3 – “Do I look fat?” The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a – I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
b – Compared to what?
c – A little extra weight looks good on you.
d – I’ve seen fatter.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 – “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.” Wrong answers include:
a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b – I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d – Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 – “What would you do if I died?” Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.”
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Originally found on: ERC Humour List <- Yes, that’s “h-u-m-o-U-r”, Canadian spelling. * Want a website? Check out http://www.erc.bc.ca
Definitions for Parents
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call you child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
Secrets to a happy marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
Three women escaped from prison….one was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn, where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three gunny sacks and decided to put them over their heads for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw.
The deputy told him about the three gunny sacks. The sheriff told him to find out what was in them.
So, the deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it……and she went “Bow-wow”.
The deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one.
Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she went “Meow.”
The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it and there was no sound at all.
He kicked it again and the blonde said “Potatoes.”
There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crisco!”
Finally a store clerk approached. “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five.”
“Oh,” replied the old gentleman, “I’m not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife.”
“Your wife is named “Crisco?”
“Nah,” he answered, “I only call her that when we’re out in public.”
“Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?”
“Lard ass.”
A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning, when ! the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.
“Gee, mom,” the boy exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two,” his mother replied. “The rest are for your father.”
My good friend Joe wrote a lovely little piece on the joys of being at the cottage and ultimately on the death of the newspaper. I think he’s a bit off on his prediction, simply because of the timing. He thinks that the newspaper will be gone in 10 years. I think that he is a technophile (and one of the best) but does not realize that the majority of the population are technophobes. How does one open a laptop to read a newspaper on the bus or subway (no wi-fi down there)? Reading on an iPod? Please. Squinting and moving your finger around a tiny screen is nothing compared to the feel and ease of a paper. I love reading online, but I also thoroughly enjoy the paper as well. You can “stumble on” to an article you wouldn’t normally read in a paper.
So Joe, although you may eventually be right, I think that Mark Twain had it accurate when he said “Rumours of my demise are greatly exaggerated.”
This stuff is so beautiful and yet it is made from trash. I really want some of this type of art.
http://www.slightlywarped.com/crapfactory/curiosities/onemanstrash.htm