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True Friends

Are you tired of all those mushy “friendship” poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a “friendship” poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself.

To My Friend:
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I’ll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I’ll know you finally got shagged.

When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to shut up.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to you, thick idiot.

When you are sick, stay away from me until you’re well again. I don’t want to catch it.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at you – clumsy fart!

This is my oath, I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you’re my friend!

P.S. A friend will help you move house.
A really good friend will help you move a body.

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-05-31

  • I. Played. Baseball. For someone with #arthritis who at times thought I wouldn’t walk again, I am over the moon. Hit a homerun even. Wicked #
  • RT @ThatKevinSmith “…the key to my release.” Closing of SHERLOCK HOLMES trailer. Beyond genius line/delivery. http://tinyurl.com/r85xlb #
  • RT @ThatKevinSmith SURROGATES. Flick looks way rad. http://tinyurl.com/qo6hon #
  • Still sore from playing baseball, but it’s a good sore. Take that #arthritis ! #
  • My wife is funny: new CTV show called “the Listener” is best example of ‘smell the fart acting’ on tv (other than CSI Miami) #
  • Everyone who is at least bit interested in the future of the internet needs to watch this: http://wave.google.com. #wave #google #OMG cool #

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Girls Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way to easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.  I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “Midnight”. He didn’t seem pissed off at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh. shit.”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

TheStar.com – Aeroplan’s loyalty goes only so far, readers find

This is my friend’s mother and father.   As from Michelle:

I share this story with you because I believe it’s important that everyone’s aware of the Aeroplan Policy; and because I’m incredibly proud that my Mom (Judi Landis) has fought the battle and won – she received her points credit (thanks to author Ellen Roseman, CIBC and not Aeroplan) earlier this week.”

You must fight for your rights and make sure that stupid policies in businesses are rectified.  Watch your points.  Defend your rights.

TheStar.com – Business – Aeroplan’s loyalty goes only so far, readers find.

April 18, 2009
Ellen Roseman

When Joel Landis died last August, he had collected more than 180,000 frequent-flyer points on his CIBC Aeroplan Visa card.

His widow, Judi, was hoping to take her grandchildren to Disney World a few months later.

She didn’t book the trip using his points, despite having his account number and password. “Wanting to do the right thing, I called Aeroplan to officially advise them of my husband’s death,” she says.

Joel’s account was shut down within 48 hours. She opened her own account and submitted a request in writing to have her husband’s points transferred to her.

Only then did she find out she would have to pay $1,897.06 to transfer the points.

“Aeroplan miles or rewards are personal and cannot be assigned, traded, willed or otherwise transferred,” the loyalty program’s terms and conditions say.

“However, reflecting its desire to express compassion, Aeroplan’s practice is to allow the transfer of miles.”

But compassion only goes so far. The transfer cost for surviving spouses of a deceased member is 1 cent a mile, plus a $30 administration fee (and GST).

Another Aeroplan member, a recent widower, thinks the policy is unfair.

“Most of the points we accumulated were through a joint CIBC Aerogold Visa account,” he says.

Since his wife was the primary cardholder, all the points were credited to her. But most of the charges were on his credit card, because he handled the accounts.

He called after her death and was told Aeroplan’s bereavement policy would restore the unused points to her account for a trip she was too sick to take.

When he asked to transfer the 60,000 points to his account, he was told there was a $600 charge.

“Excuse me? I said you have a `bereavement policy’ that protects her points, but that doesn’t extend to moving them to her widower’s account? I found this astounding.”

Judi Landis tried calling CIBC Visa to ask about restoring the points without a transfer cost.

“They had a hands-off approach,” she says, adding that the bank refused to intervene in a dispute with Aeroplan.

Still, I figured that CIBC had more “wiggle room” than Aeroplan in trying to keep a disgruntled customer happy.

CIBC competes fiercely with other credit-card issuers. Its Aerogold card, once the gold standard, is under pressure from other reward cards that are more flexible.

Aeroplan spokesperson JoAnne Hayes did not provide a comment, but deferred to Rob McLeod, spokesperson for CIBC Visa.

CIBC will work with the readers who contacted me to have their Aeroplan miles reinstated at no cost, McLeod said.

Landis wrote several times to Aeroplan’s chief executive Rupert Duschene. She never got a reply.

“When my husband died suddenly at age 62, we had just finished renovating the house. Everything was paid by credit card because we wanted to get the points,” she says.

“This is just an added bitter touch. For Aeroplan, loyalty only goes one way. It just doesn’t have a soul.”

Aeroplan should advise couples with two credit cards opening a single account to protect their assets in case one of them dies, she believes.

Even better, it should have a true bereavement plan.

“It would be reasonable to deduct a small portion of points or pay a flat fee of $135, as was the case for many years,” Landis says. “I should not be penalized for reporting my husband’s death, instead of surreptitiously using the points we jointly amassed.”

Write to onyourside@thestar.ca

Blondes

Two blondes from California were chatting.

One blonde asks another, “Which is further, New York … or the Moon?”

The other replies: “HELLOOOOO, Can you SEE New York?”

Benched

My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing just how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage in public. She does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I’m able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she nearly got me fired.

Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to my place of work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed an interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn’t occur to me that she had something planned.

We arrived at my workbench, where I’m currently trying to figure out why the $& board on which I’m working is not performing the way I designed it.

“Is this where you work?” she asked.

“At the moment,” I replied.

I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely failing to notice the huge studded black leather collar she produced from her purse. Before I could even blink (it is amazing the speed at which she could do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the six-foot jack chain to the center of the bench (where there just happened to be a mounting hole, dammit). I turned to face her in utter disbelief, mouth agape.

“I’ll be back for you at five,” she said.

“HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!!?!? I yelled in a hushed voice. “HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS???”

“You’ll think of something,” she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage. “You always do.”

“But suppose I have to go to the bathroom,” I countered.

“Don’t give me that,” she said. “I’ve seen you go for a whole day without visiting the bathroom.”

“But…,” I tried to say.

“SHHH! The subject is closed. I’ll be back at five. Bye.”

She turned and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think myself out of my situation. I tried to think of all the people who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn’t surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going to say if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I’m a military time weenie). “Three and a half hours,” I thought. I heaved a sigh, and got to work, such as I could.

As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be pretty hard not to), and asked if it was my girlfriend’s idea. I said yes. They asked what I would say if my supervisor saw it. I said I hadn’t the faintest idea.

One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get a collar like the one I had), settled down to work in silence.

After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. “Gee, I just might make it through this after all,” I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem on the #%^*@! board on which I was working.

Murphey must have been standing right behind me reading my thoughts, for not more than two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was the guy who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again fundamentalist. How he came to have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs.

His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all its splender. “My life is over,” I thought. I still hadn’t thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar.

Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy next to me was going to have a seizure stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament.

Finally he spoke.

“What. The. HELL! Is. That??!” he said.

I don’t know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I’m pretty sure I didn’t know what I was going to say until just as I was saying it. I’m even more amazed that Mr. Solderbrain actually bought it and didn’t fire me on the spot.

I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn’t know what it was yet. I didn’t even miss a beat.

“Grounding strap,” I said, and returned to work

The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.

HR in Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though,  it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven”,  said the woman.

“Sorry, we have rules…”

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,”

The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her smiled and said…

“Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re an Employee..”

Why are we still there?

IT’S TIME TO RE-EVALUATE OUR INVOLVEMENT

Every day there are news reports about more deaths.  Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.  Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.  Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back.  Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have sporadic leadership. Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized.  Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, from which we are supposed to bail them out.  Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand.  Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods, and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.  Why are we still there?

We can’t even secure the borders.  Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt, and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we cannot afford.  Why are we still there?

It is becoming clear…

WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-05-24

  • OMG my ears are bleeding. Just listened to kidz bop cd from McD’s. No wonder children are so heavily medicated these days. #
  • I love these pictures. Some classy guys for Man of the Year: http://www.goofingaround.ca/moty #
  • Total sign fail. Don’t know if I’d eat there. #joke #fail http://www.goofingaround.ca/oby #
  • Who needs this button? Seriously. If you need a button in an elevator to tell you this, you need help.#joke http://www.goofingaround.ca/inae #
  • Sitting in the clover watching my son play on a beautiful day in #toronto.One thing that could be better is if my wife was not sick in bed. #
  • It’s getting closer to the 2010 #Olympics and the world needs to know about Canada. #joke http://www.goofingaround.ca/qac #
  • My wife’s #blackberry is the first casualty of toddler-hood. She’s borrowing mine & has full access to it all. Probably a bad idea #

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