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Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (Several minutes later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q.You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more ‘growing old question’ Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Posted via email from goofingaround’s posterous

“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.” – Mark Twain

“I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” – Groucho Marx

“My inner and outer life depend on the labors of other men, living and dead, and… I exert myself to give in the same measure as I have received.” – Albert Einstein

“It contributes greatly toward a man’s moral and intellectual health, to be brought into…companionship with individuals unlike himself, who care little for his pursuits, and whose sphere and abilities he must go out of himself to appreciate.” – Nathaniel Hawthorne

“We are, in truth, more than a half of what we are by imitation.” – Lord Chesterfield

“We love in others what we lack ourselves, and would be everything but what we are.” – R.H. Stoddard

As found in Men’s Health, November 2004

“All real men are gentle; without tenderness, a man is uninteresting.” – Marlene Dietrich

“Not only is it harder to be a man, it is also harder to become one.” – Arianna Huffington

“Men should be the ones who succeed. It makes me feel comfortable if men are the ones in control.” – Angie Dickinson

“I like to wake up feeling a new man.” – Jean Harlow

“I love waistlines that are not too big, I love legs, and I love hands. I kind of like it all, to be honest with you.” – Ann Curry

“The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can.” – Margo Kaufman

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

“I have to say that men in general are a good thing.” – Jennifer Anniston

As found in Men’s Health, 2004

“Our courtship was fast and furious – I was fast and she was furious.” – Max Kauffmann

“I wanna die with you Wendy on the streets tonight/In an everlasting kiss.” – Bruce Springsteen

“Love is the delusion that one woman is different from another.” – H.L. Mencken

“The best love affairs are those we never had.” – Norman Lindsay

“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.” – Woodrow Wyatt

“Lots of women go out with me just to further their careers – damn anthropologists!” – Emo Philips

“It is strange, the stages by which you realize you are too late – you have swallowed the hook.” – John Herman

“Love is a rose but you better not pick it/It only grows when it’s on the vine.” Neil Young

“Men play the game; women know the score.” – Roger Woddis

As found in Men’s Health, 2004

“It is our will and not our strength that is being tried.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

“As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say.  I just watch what they do.” – Andrew Carnegie

“Have the courage to act instead of react.” – Earlene Larson Jenks

“None but a coward dares to boast that he has never known fear.” – Marshal Foch

“Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway.” – John Wayne

– As found in Men’s Health, June 2005

– as found in Men’s Health, December 2005

“Trust, but verify.” – R. Reagan

“The price of freedom is eternal vigilance” – T. Jefferson