Mar
30
To my wife, I’m sorry. I fucked up but I’m not changing so you’ll either need to put up with this shit or I’ll stroke you the check I agreed to in the pre-nup….sorry.
To my fans, get over it. Where I stick my dick is none of your business. If you care….sorry. I don’t need any of you in order to make 10 times in one year what you’ll make in a career. I promise to continue to hit 4 irons from 210 yards to within 10′ of the hole and drop putts that you couldn’t read in a million years. If that’s not good enough for you, go watch tennis.
To the media. You cocksuckers are the only ones more two-faced than I am. Kissing my ass for all those years and then ripping me every chance you’ve had since Thanksgiving. Fuck all ya’ll. I’m glad I don’t have to take the time to sit and answer the same bullshit questions over and over again.
To the other golfers. Kiss my cablanasian ass! You motherfuckers come out ripping me when I’ve put more fucking money in your pockets than you could count. You think anyone’s been paying to see Jesper-fucking-Parnavik? Give me a fucking break. I’m almost tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys but I think it’s going to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to making you all my bitches.
That’s all I got today folks…..see you at Augusta !….Oh and Bambi, if you’re listening, I’ll meet you at the Ritz in 45 minutes.
Mar
30
A great comeback
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Dan is very prolific with the jokes that he sends and it is MUCH appreciated. In this case, I think this might be autobiographical.
*A Great Comeback** *
A man was nude sunbathing on a beach in southern France.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walked past and said, snickering, “If you were a gentleman, you’d have lifted your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied, “Your right. And if you weren’t so ugly, it would have lifted itself!”
Mar
29
Thank you notes
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Would love to have wrote some of these…
Mar
28
Young Frankenstein
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Rating: 
Mar
28
Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-03-28
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- At #raptors with my son. Too bad he plays better than them tonight and he's 2! (@ Air Canada Centre w/ 19 others) http://4sq.com/5ATERT #
- Interesting; its Turkey night @raptors and they are truly playing like turkeys. Maybe its because they are stuffed. #raptors #
- Wow. From @adobe: Content Aware Fill: http://bit.ly/90msyG This is amazing stuff & has some great(&scary) applications #
- I just unlocked the "Local" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/d065ep #
- Friday night & in bed at 8 with a touch of the stomach flu. At least I'm not tweeting from the bathroom (or am I?) #ineeditalicsorevilvoice #
- Just had an Involtini – pulled pork wrapped in ribeye w/goat cheese at Gio Rana's Really Really Nice Restaurant. Oh My was it good! #
- I just unlocked the "Super User" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/chfEdf #
- I just unlocked the "Crunked" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/ckWErE #
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Mar
21
Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-03-21
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- Just saw 'Couple's Retreat'. Best line:" I'm not saying to have him tickle yout balls" #guessyouhavetoseeittothinkitsfunny #
- Fetching sushi for Salima and Manisha. Go slave boy go! (@ Nijo Japanese Restaurant) http://4sq.com/cCOAKc #
- Had no idea what 'chatroulette' was but this is a funny video and now I know. http://www.youtube.com/PianoChatImprov #
- I love it: 2 twentysomethings just teased me because I was riding a scooter. I did the mature thing and teased them back. #notdeadyet #
- I just unlocked the "Adventurer" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/d0ocKe #
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Mar
15
Best ever Geico ad.
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Mar
15
Couple’s Retreat
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Rating:
Mar
15
Percy Jackson and the Olympians: Lightning Thief
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Rating:
Mar
14
Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-03-14
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- File under:Ok, really? Geoffrey Fletcher wins the #Oscar for best adapted screenplay and he didn't write a speech? #
- I just unlocked the "Newbie" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/ckEl1x #
- Followed @Richardsonian 's advice and went to a cool indoor playground for kids. My son LOVED it. Might have to listen to him more often #
- @Richardsonian Already did. Problem I'm having is making a magic quadrant of your ideas & overlapping their effectiveness. Give me a 1/2 day in reply to Richardsonian #
- @Richardsonian kill bill also a good option. Or the hangover. Not really kid friendly those movies in reply to Richardsonian #
- Rainy and windy but it could be much worse; it could be snow! #couldbeworse #
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