Dec

28

Jesus is watching you

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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, and then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

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Dec

27

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-27

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Dec

23

RCMP Bravery – Frozen Caburetor

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They complain about the RCMP, but you rarely hear about the positive things that they do, such as this one.

In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.
For example:

On a bitterly cold winter’s day several years ago in Northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

“What’s the matter?” asked the Policeman.

“Carburetor’s frozen,” was the terse reply.

“Pee on it. That’ll thaw it out.”

“Can’t.”

“OK, Watch me and I will show you.”

The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.

The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: “On behalf of my daughter, who was recently stranded . . . .”

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Dec

22

Cowboy Honeymoon

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A cowboy and his new wife had just got married and found a nice hotel in High River for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said, ‘Howdy, we’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.’
The clerk winked, ‘You want the Bridal’?
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
‘Nope, I reckon not. I’ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.’
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Dec

20

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-20

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  • RT @johntobin: An RFP requests 6 printed & bound replies. Another question asks 'what's your company doing tobe green?' #priceless #corpfail #
  • Terrible customer service from #CIBC. Make a payment online & get declined because THEY haven't processed. Call to inquire & told to use MC #
  • 5 reasons the #ttcfail: 1. Refuse to schedule the proper number of streetcars/buses for the rush hours. #
  • 5 reasons the #ttcfail: 2. Customer service. Actually saw/heard a ttc rep yell 'do I come to your work & tell you how to do your job?' #
  • 5 reasons the #ttcfail: 3. Tickets vs anything else. With the incrrase in fares they have gone to tix, causimg huge lines to buy OR pay. #
  • 5 reasons the #ttcfail: 4. Spiralling out of control ticket fares. Every year same thing. #
  • 5 reasons the #ttcfail: 5. Cronic mismanagement. How can they not properly manage a budget? #SF is way better. TTC not even best in Canada #
  • RT @badbanana Forget the halls. To me, the holiday season officially begins with the decking of Scut Farkus. #
  • Why is @RichardWiseman's book #59seconds not being released in Canada until AFTER he is here speaking about it? #
  • I would have thought these could have been release ages ago: RT @brundle_fly: well that didn't take long. http://i.imgur.com/rB8Qe.jpg #

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Dec

17

The decision

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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot

The doctor comes in.

“Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably don’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay and you will walk again. However, something else happened. I’ll try to break this to you gently. The fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans.

The doctor goes on, “You do have $9,000.00 in insurance compensation coming and we do have the technology to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1,000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this.

So,” the doctor says, “It’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have,” says the man.

“And what’s the decision?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting granite counter tops.”

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Dec

15

Strange Court Ruling

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Ontario Judge makes unprecedented ruling – another case of truth being stranger than fiction…

TORONTO, ONTARIO (CP)

A seven-year-old Toronto, Ontario boy was at the centre of a Toronto city courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law & regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy alleged they had also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references & confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone!

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Dec

13

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-13

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  • Very disappointed. The #EatonCentre has no Santa except on weekends. Wanted my son's photo with the jolly old elf and he's not there. #fail #
  • Do NOT play the game "Paper Canon" unless you have a lot of time. http://digg.com/d31C3b7 & definitely not when your wife is trying to sleep #
  • The wind is just whipping right now. Can't wait for the first storm of the winter season. Will either be real and wreak havoc or peter out. #
  • Thought for the day: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F. #
  • Please: no one tell my wife about this site! RT @joshacagan: "Pajamagram.com. Because you've been married 10 years or longer." #
  • Win a Macbook Pro from @DealsPlus. Details here: http://bit.ly/7kMWCB #
  • I found a place to hide my wife's Christmas present where she won't find it: the washing machine! #joke #iamadeadman #
  • Best dentist ever: Dr Druck. Fast, good and nice. A big plus: cute reception staff! #
  • I just voted for http://tweetphoto.com/6183457 check it out! #TweetPhoto #
  • RT @mkapor Tremendous rant by Fake Steve Jobs on the ATT's whining and what's wrong with the USA http://bit.ly/8UGBlX #
  • Vfunny& have more followers than me. :( RT@seanpercival: BestMan Rigs Newlyweds’ Bed To Tweet During Sex. Not Kidding. 1/2 #
  • http://bit.ly/8KHSYh 2/2 #

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Dec

13

Winter statistic

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98% of Canadians say “Oh shit” before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are from Tillsonburg and they say “Hold my beer and watch this!”

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Dec

13

Legs or breasts

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Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked, was a shaved snatch !

Apparently I’m not welcome back at Swiss Chalet.

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