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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”
“Yes,” he says. “I was in the armed forces for three years”
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, “Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”
The interviewer tells the guy, ” O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M. ”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M.to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?”
“This is a government job” the interviewer says.” For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

In the paper.  Famous.  Cute as can be.  I am so proud.

http://parentcentral.ca/parent/article/481537

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found.  So he drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.  He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my penis and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

After about four minutes in the examination room with a new, younger doctor, Mrs Reid burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in a room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

“What’s the matter with you?” the older doctor demanded. “Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren -and you told her she was pregnant?”

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Oh, wait, you misread it…

please only read lines 1, 3 and 5

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too because he was gay.

Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask…

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in last April’s issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are:

1 – “What are you thinking?”
2 – “Do you love me?”
3 – “Do I look fat?”
4 – “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
5 – “What would you do if I died?”

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 – “What are you thinking?” The proper answer to this question, of course is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.”

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a – Baseball
b – Football
c – How fat you are.
d – How much prettier she is than you.
e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. “If I wanted you to know,” Al said, “I’d be talking instead of thinking.”

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 – “Do you love me?” The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.” For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
a – I suppose so.
b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c – That depends on what you mean by “love”.
d – Does it matter?
e – Who, me?

3 – “Do I look fat?” The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a – I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
b – Compared to what?
c – A little extra weight looks good on you.
d – I’ve seen fatter.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 – “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.” Wrong answers include:
a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b – I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d – Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 – “What would you do if I died?” Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.”

–

Originally found on: ERC Humour List <- Yes, that’s “h-u-m-o-U-r”, Canadian spelling.  * Want a website? Check out http://www.erc.bc.ca

Definitions for Parents

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call you child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

Secrets to a happy marriage

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

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